Yelp this, Smart Ass.

I only use Yelp occasionally to get feedback from people who have been patrons to specific establishments that I'm looking into, but I really need to read through a lot of text to find the reviews that I truly find functional. Just like Facebook, blogging, or even twittering now, it's another medium for people to extend their digital voice. And when you put it that way, it doesn't seem so bad. It's another innovative branch unto the freedom of speech...a spacious arena for someone to share their opinion. But here's the thing...more often than not, their opinions read like a caveman trying to articulate that the kampachi crudo was lacking seasoning and had too much acidity that it overwhelmed the fish. And no, I'm not talking about the Geico cavemen. That's right...it's downright impossible to absorb anything positive or pragmatic about these 'reviews,' other than "GOOOOOOOdddd" or "Baaaaaaddddaaaah." And fine, whatever, maybe I'm being a little condescending myself, but really now, what am I supposed to take from, "Dude, what's with the attitude. Great beers, great food, a little overpriced but customer service is key. How about a smile every now and then at leat." Two stars out of five. What does that mean? What should I really take from that? What makes the beers so great? What about the food did you like? And what are the industry standards for something being 'fairly' priced? After all of this, the 'great beers' and 'great food,' but service without a smile, warrants this place two stars out of five? According to what scaling system is it justifiable to knock it down that low? And you see, that's just it, there's really no logical frame for what comes to be an aggregate rating system for a place, because each individual carries in their pocket a different rating system where they hold certain attributes to have various levels of value and markability. Actual food, which to me, happens to be the most important thing to be at a food establishment (I know, go figure), doesn't appear to be the determining factor for quite a few yelpers. I've read far too many opinions that read, 'The food and drink are surprisingly fantastic, but the place is small and crowded. Also, it took us an extra 3 minutes to flag down some service. So I'm going to give it two stars out of five. If it wasn't so cramped, I'd give it the full five.' Really?! Did you find yourself forgetting that you were going to a pub? Cuz man, I totally agree...I love those pubs that have no one in them. It's absolutely refreshing to find no people in a pub, a place where people to go be social. There's a quaintness and charm that can be associated with a quiet pub (tsk-tsk).

I'm not saying that all yelpers are dumb twits, but a lot of them sound like prima donnas. And there is a difference to being a relevant reference basket of eloquent and constructive critique and just being a pretentious, wannabe-elitist, lover of-your-own weightless diction, A-hole. There is such a thing as writing for the sake of wanting to spread quality information. It's another thing to just be enamored with the sound of your own voice. Here's an example. Sure, super duper witty about comparing consistency of food to AT&T mobile service (scratching my head as I wonder how people can be so 'smart.'), but really, what's fruitful to take from this?...Not much.

Here's another 'review' from that I found amusing. It's written by a Joe C. Here's an excerpt:

"The food is just alright. I can't complain about the quality of the food because the quality was just fine. But that itself is also a problem. The food is JUST alright, nothing more and nothing less. I don't remember it being bad at all, but give me a few more weeks and I probably won't remember the food at all. It's not memorable."

So Joe, what is it that you are really trying to say? Because all I got there was that you liked it, but you thought it was ok, but you didn't have a problem with it, but you did, because you couldn't complain about the quality of the food, because it was fine, but you won't remember it, but you will remember that it wasn't bad at all, but you know...it's 'alright,' but you can't really understand why you can't say anything of worth about it, because you know, it was 'JUST' fine.

GREAT. Thank you for that.

The biggest fundamental pickle that I have with a lot of yelpers is that they're just downright cruel. I understand that this is a forum for more thought and freedom of opinion and it's great and wonderful...yadayadayada. But perhaps people should stop and think about how a lot of these businesses that they 'rate' and 'review' are small business establishments, run by families. These are people/families' livelihoods we're talking about here. They're trying to make an honest living and I'd venture to say that the majority of them do take pride in the service that they provide. They want people to come back and be happy with their experience. So just because you paid patronage to an establishment one time and had an experience that wasn't the greatest, you feel like it's your duty to sandbag them in every and any way possible? And even on an objective level, how can you honestly give a fair judgement on one experience? Maybe they had an off day. It does happen...to a lot of people, and I don't think that I'm out of line in saying that it happens to you, probably more often than you'd like to let on, since now you've become such an institution of judgement. Yes, I was being sarcastic....just to help you out if you didn't get that. And that's why I think this is just awesome:


These places that people love to bash should be able to bash people right back, if only for just the stupid shit that they write. Maybe Pizzeria Delfina's being a little hard on Natalie T. I guess I can sympathize with her. I personally love my pizza extremely dry, tasteless, bland, and overwhelming forgettable. Grease? Eww. Pig fat? That's like...sooooooooo gross. (Haha.)

To be fair, here is an example of a useful review in my opinion, written by Lee H. regarding Beretta. Insightful, by simply explaining the foundation of her opinion. Not denigrating by any means and voiced relatively fairly and descriptively. Kudos to you, Lee H. Only thing I would have liked to see, is if you had written your review after visiting maybe a couple times. And there in lies the reality, that it is hard to find a Yelper that will formulate a congruent opinion after a number of experiences and not just the first. If you notice, most of these reviews are written after the first experience.

So. People that want to be food critics and general reviewers of anything and everything...Perhaps, you should garner some expertise in the area of which you decide to offer your opinion. And for goodness' sake, don't base everything off of a first impression. And one more thing, spare the 'wit' and the gratuitous, heartless malice. You're really not that important.