Longing for a time when…..

….I could breathe in the fragrance of a woman and be at the equator of the universe. I’d like to believe that I don’t need anyone. I don’t need affirmation of myself. I don’t need someone to confirm my worth and my light in this world. But I do miss the rawness of humanity and her candy. I lust for the crux of the back of a woman’s neck against my cheek and my chin. I crave the circle of her navel and the perpetuality of her legs. And mostly, I want the empathy and humility of her skin. There’s a softness there that is beyond the confines of depiction and explanation.

I feel very little that I know to be more truthful than this. And you know what? I’m glad. Because I should feel this way.

So that’s what it’s like to be a woman.

I went to a bbq yesterday for Bay to Breakers. An elder man, inebriated out of his wits grabbed me by the arm and mumbled,

“Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….suck your ______.”

Oh really, you say?! You are one smooth dude. I thought to myself, ‘Even if I was into that, you are the ugliest, vilest, most detestable, doop of a man. I’m going to go shower now. '

And then I had a thought immediately after…did I really just think that? Wow. Revelation. Women really do have to put up with a lot of appalling behavior.

You owe me more than this.

Have you ever known something about someone and had to endure them lying to your face every time you saw them? Obviously, they have no knowledge of your enlightenment. So you stand there with this nauseating distaste growing more and more voluminous as their chicanery festers on. And you can't say anything, because you want them to tell you. You want them to be honest and true. Sometimes people can surprise you with their cowardice. And sometimes these people are people that have major significance in our lives. I never thought that I could come to such revelation, but sadly, I have. I do not crave attention and I think life has been bountiful to me. So I will not carry on a 'woe is me' dissertation. But I am hurt by this affliction. Apologies for the journey on the gloom train. I hope to keep these type of published thoughts to a minimum.

And so it goes...

Here is my surrender to the revolution of social networking and its co-conspirator, the blog. Initially, I wondered why the blogging phenomenon was so utterly captivating to people. I thought that there seemed to be a bit of self-indulgence in the average blogger's tone. It appeared to be a forum to get more attention from people who probably don't even care that much about you. A bit of a 'Look at me! Look at me!' domain. I mean, why wouldn't people just keep a journal, if these thoughts and ideas and information that they needed to write were only really for their own self-gratification.

But here I am. The more that I've read, the more I've discovered with every crappy, prima donna's weightless fluff, there is a person that actually has interesting and thought-provoking things to say. It's good information and ideas inspiring people to think for themselves and the day ahead. I can't cut that. So to you, Blog. Let's hurry up and get this love-hate relationship over with. I aim to be completely worthless and really, the more shitty entries I can post, the better.

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Yesterday, I had dinner with some friends at Sahn Maru in Oakland. It's a Korean establishment. I've been there a few times now. It has quickly become a favorite of mine. The people there are very warm and entering the doors always is met with a cheerful, bright smile. Last night we had bbq chicken and pork, spicy kimchee bean paste soup, kimchee seasoned assorted shellfish with preserved fish and veggies. You will come to know me as a foodie so I will often write about my foodventures and taste bud tickles. The food was fantastic and always is here, but what I really want to write about here is the conversation that I had amongst my friends. I met these friends that I had dinner with in college. The one that sat next to me has a younger sister. The way she describes her sister is a little heart-wrenching. It seems as if she is encapsulated in a shell. She doesn't seem to like talking to anyone and would rather just be left alone. I, being the obnoxious twit that I am, enjoy trying to get my friend to set me up with her sister. The funny part of it is how irritated she gets. And I'm not really sure if it's the idea of me and her sister, or if it's just anyone and her sister. I'm pretty certain it's the former. Here's a little of our dialogue:

Friend: She wouldn't be into you.
Me: Why not? She's not into awesomeness?
Friend: (nervous chuckle) She doesn't like talking to my friends.
Me: I bet you that I could make her laugh.
Friend: That actually might do her some good.
Me: And then I could take her back to my place.
Friend: .......
Me: You and I are going to be in-laws.
Friend: (contemptfully grinning)
Me: I'd be able to confide in you about, you know....bedroom stuff.
Friend: You're terrible.
Me: Do you have a picture of her? Can I see?
Friend: Why?
Me: Because I'd like to see what my soulmate looks like.
Friend: (vexatiously twitches) I have to go to the bathroom.

Yes, you may think that I was a little inappropriate. But one must be so every now and then to enjoy a soulful laugh. It has become habitual for me to inquire about her and her availability. I do this because I know that I can push her buttons and it gives me pleasure and apparently, everyone else at the dinner table as well.

Some people get very squeamish with particular things. My friend becomes very uncomfortable when I talk about her sister. I tried thinking about what makes me uncomfortable. Is there anything that makes me wiggle like a worm on a fish hook when encountered with? I couldn't really think of one. And I think that I'm lucky in this regard. But I will continue to look.